"'My gift is obedience. Ella will always be obedient. Now stop crying, child.' I stopped."
I have mentioned in my blog before how much I love the book Ella Enchanted. I don't care if it is fourth-grade reading level. Ella's battle with breaking the curse of obedience has long become a sort of allegory for my own frustration with OCD. The victorious feeling of winning that battle is something I glimpse and resonate with at the end of the book.
"Decisions were a delight after the curse. I loved having the power to say yes or no, and refusing anything was a special pleasure."
Oh, the sense of freedom that brings. And in its own, strange way - it's relatable.
I read an article today about a woman who had such a strong, compulsive anxiety about driving, that she ended up not getting in her car for an entire year. it took professional diagnosis and treatment for her to begin overcoming that impulse. When asked something about why it took her so long to recognize her OCD, she replied something like, "Because what I had wasn't what they portrayed on television."
Well, exactly.
I like watching the show Monk, which is about a private detective who develops Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder shortly after the unsolved murder of his wife. It's witty and intriguing, and I always joke around with people that it satisfies me a little just to watch him give in to all the compulsive temptations. But in reality, it's probably not particularly healthy. And in some ways, maybe it magnifies the misconceptions that society seems to have about OCD. So, to simplify here, I thought I would give a professional definition and then a quick blurb about my everyday life.
The National Institute of Mental Health splits up OCD into two parts: Obsessions and Compulsions. The obsessions are uncontrollable "repeated thoughts, urges, or mental images that cause anxiety." The compulsions are the odd, repetitive behaviors that a person does in response to the thought. It's generally because people want to get rid of the thought and feel quite compelled to do something to stop it.
Example from the website. Obsessions may include: fear of germs (this one big on tv), unwanted thoughts involving sex, religion (such as the sense that you are always sinning), and harm (that an action might cause you or someone else harm). I should remind the audience that these repetitive thoughts are uncontrollable and often not even triggered. More on that later.
Compulsions include responses to the thoughts, such as excessive cleaning and hand-washing (response to the fear of germs), ordering or arranging things (this one big on tv), checking things repeatedly like locked doors, compulsive counting, or (I would add) the need to entirely avoid any actions that obsessions say will cause you or others harm. Even if it doesn't make sense.
Furthermore, this is a repetitive process that could come and go all day. The website suggests that people with OCD spend at last 1 hour of every day on these thoughts and behaviors. They don't get pleasure from giving into compulsions other than the brief relief from the unwanted, intrusive, thoughts. People with OCD often have a "tic disorder" that is more of a way to try and "shrug off" unwanted obsessive thoughts. These tics could include, "sudden, brief, repetitive movements, such as eye blinking and other eye movements, facial grimacing, shoulder shrugging, and head and shoulder jerking. Common vocal tics include repetitive throat-clearing, sniffing, or grunting sounds."
Okay. Make sense?
Let's simplify by hopping into my head for a moment. It might seem a little personal, but I think we'll be fine since it's mostly just my image at stake.
Driving home from work. The thought comes to me, "If you don't change lanes, you're going to crash and die." Okay, probably not. Where did that come from? Although, I am a religious person, so maybe that was some sort of prompting from God. But thinking that just exacerbates the impulse. "You're right. it's probably a prompting. So, if you don't change lanes, you are sinning too. You'll sin and you'll die."
I really don't think so...
But with each passing second, it gets more intense and even harder to disobey. Sometimes, to get the thought out, I just give in. Change lanes. Sometimes, I have my own tic. I sort of bend my neck like I'm stretching it or thinking about something. I talk myself out of it. I pray. Which, actually, helps a lot.
Other days, compulsions come with less than a pretense of rationality. Like when doing a service project where I'm supposed to rake the leaves (another thing I joke about). I need to get ALL of them. Why?
No idea. But the thought of not getting them all make my body have some sort of weird, panic attack. It's like Ella Enchanted trying not to obey an order. My body rebels, but my mind is quite intact. I know that nothing will happen if I don't rake them all - well, nothing except feeling anxious, panicky, and frustrated. I start breathing funny, and sometimes I just want to hit things (including myself) to get enough adrenaline rush to try and stop the thoughts. Adrenaline usually helps. But maybe if I just raked every single leaf, it would also go away, right? Obedience. No bodily complaints.
But that's not the healthy answer, of course. So normally, I just talk my way out of it. "When they said to rake the leaves, Sandra, they didn't actually mean all of them. They meant part of them. That's what they wanted. Why don't you go eat the donuts they're providing? Go on a run later, you'll like that. It'll be fine. Don't rake the leaves, Sandra," I give myself a personal, direct order. Oh, household chores are the worst.
The ridiculous part is that I have to actually fight this battle everyday. The metaphorical battle of whether or not to rake to the last dumb leaf. And I KNOW it's irrational. That's the worst part. I mean, I've got a college degree for gosh shake.
I often tell people about a time I was home for lunch and got an apple out of the fridge to eat it. "Better wash that apple," the voice very nearly rationality said. Then it escalates. Because I do wash that apple, but somehow it's not enough. "You should probably peel it as well. There is no way the water from the tap got off all the pesticides."
"But I want to eat the peelings. I like peelings," I mentally respond to myself.
"They'll kill you, so you'd better not."
"I think I will." Sandra bites apple. Body revolts against the mind. Sandra is now next to trash can spitting out said bite of apple because in the short-run, peeling the apple causes less physical and mental torment than eating it. But I'm not happy about it, because I don't actually like my apples peeled. At least the obsessive thought went away. But I feel like I just lost a battle.
That's OCD.
Part of therapy, I have heard, is to face the fears head on. Do it anyway. Swallow the dang bite of the apple. That really does work. It's just way harder to convince yourself to do it. Like physically hard.
No, this is not a 24/7 thing. Some days are better than others. And generally, with a lot of prayer, I do better than okay. I feel good about things. But on bad days, the pure fact that I'm fighting myself over such trivial things exhausts me. And this is just my version of things. Everyone is different. I've never felt the need to avoid driving for a year.
I have my own spiritual beliefs and ways for overcoming the impulses (and learning from it all). A more inspirational blog post, "For when I am weak, then am I strong," can be found on this same blog site. It addresses the cure more than the problem.
But I thought for today I would just provide a basic explanation. Because I keep learning about people who struggle from OCD, and I feel like it would be nice if everyone understood a little more about what that meant when they said it.
Sometimes, it just helps to be understood.
References:
1. Carson, Gail 1997. Ella Enchanted. New York: Harper Collins Publisher.
2. "Breaking free: Atlanta woman finds help for OCD," http://www.fox5atlanta.com/health/fox-medical-team/277553956-story#/
3. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.” NIMH. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/index.shtml. 2016.
I have mentioned in my blog before how much I love the book Ella Enchanted. I don't care if it is fourth-grade reading level. Ella's battle with breaking the curse of obedience has long become a sort of allegory for my own frustration with OCD. The victorious feeling of winning that battle is something I glimpse and resonate with at the end of the book.
"Decisions were a delight after the curse. I loved having the power to say yes or no, and refusing anything was a special pleasure."
Oh, the sense of freedom that brings. And in its own, strange way - it's relatable.
I read an article today about a woman who had such a strong, compulsive anxiety about driving, that she ended up not getting in her car for an entire year. it took professional diagnosis and treatment for her to begin overcoming that impulse. When asked something about why it took her so long to recognize her OCD, she replied something like, "Because what I had wasn't what they portrayed on television."
Well, exactly.
I like watching the show Monk, which is about a private detective who develops Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder shortly after the unsolved murder of his wife. It's witty and intriguing, and I always joke around with people that it satisfies me a little just to watch him give in to all the compulsive temptations. But in reality, it's probably not particularly healthy. And in some ways, maybe it magnifies the misconceptions that society seems to have about OCD. So, to simplify here, I thought I would give a professional definition and then a quick blurb about my everyday life.
The National Institute of Mental Health splits up OCD into two parts: Obsessions and Compulsions. The obsessions are uncontrollable "repeated thoughts, urges, or mental images that cause anxiety." The compulsions are the odd, repetitive behaviors that a person does in response to the thought. It's generally because people want to get rid of the thought and feel quite compelled to do something to stop it.
Example from the website. Obsessions may include: fear of germs (this one big on tv), unwanted thoughts involving sex, religion (such as the sense that you are always sinning), and harm (that an action might cause you or someone else harm). I should remind the audience that these repetitive thoughts are uncontrollable and often not even triggered. More on that later.
Compulsions include responses to the thoughts, such as excessive cleaning and hand-washing (response to the fear of germs), ordering or arranging things (this one big on tv), checking things repeatedly like locked doors, compulsive counting, or (I would add) the need to entirely avoid any actions that obsessions say will cause you or others harm. Even if it doesn't make sense.
Furthermore, this is a repetitive process that could come and go all day. The website suggests that people with OCD spend at last 1 hour of every day on these thoughts and behaviors. They don't get pleasure from giving into compulsions other than the brief relief from the unwanted, intrusive, thoughts. People with OCD often have a "tic disorder" that is more of a way to try and "shrug off" unwanted obsessive thoughts. These tics could include, "sudden, brief, repetitive movements, such as eye blinking and other eye movements, facial grimacing, shoulder shrugging, and head and shoulder jerking. Common vocal tics include repetitive throat-clearing, sniffing, or grunting sounds."
Okay. Make sense?
Let's simplify by hopping into my head for a moment. It might seem a little personal, but I think we'll be fine since it's mostly just my image at stake.
Driving home from work. The thought comes to me, "If you don't change lanes, you're going to crash and die." Okay, probably not. Where did that come from? Although, I am a religious person, so maybe that was some sort of prompting from God. But thinking that just exacerbates the impulse. "You're right. it's probably a prompting. So, if you don't change lanes, you are sinning too. You'll sin and you'll die."
I really don't think so...
But with each passing second, it gets more intense and even harder to disobey. Sometimes, to get the thought out, I just give in. Change lanes. Sometimes, I have my own tic. I sort of bend my neck like I'm stretching it or thinking about something. I talk myself out of it. I pray. Which, actually, helps a lot.
Other days, compulsions come with less than a pretense of rationality. Like when doing a service project where I'm supposed to rake the leaves (another thing I joke about). I need to get ALL of them. Why?
No idea. But the thought of not getting them all make my body have some sort of weird, panic attack. It's like Ella Enchanted trying not to obey an order. My body rebels, but my mind is quite intact. I know that nothing will happen if I don't rake them all - well, nothing except feeling anxious, panicky, and frustrated. I start breathing funny, and sometimes I just want to hit things (including myself) to get enough adrenaline rush to try and stop the thoughts. Adrenaline usually helps. But maybe if I just raked every single leaf, it would also go away, right? Obedience. No bodily complaints.
But that's not the healthy answer, of course. So normally, I just talk my way out of it. "When they said to rake the leaves, Sandra, they didn't actually mean all of them. They meant part of them. That's what they wanted. Why don't you go eat the donuts they're providing? Go on a run later, you'll like that. It'll be fine. Don't rake the leaves, Sandra," I give myself a personal, direct order. Oh, household chores are the worst.
The ridiculous part is that I have to actually fight this battle everyday. The metaphorical battle of whether or not to rake to the last dumb leaf. And I KNOW it's irrational. That's the worst part. I mean, I've got a college degree for gosh shake.
I often tell people about a time I was home for lunch and got an apple out of the fridge to eat it. "Better wash that apple," the voice very nearly rationality said. Then it escalates. Because I do wash that apple, but somehow it's not enough. "You should probably peel it as well. There is no way the water from the tap got off all the pesticides."
"But I want to eat the peelings. I like peelings," I mentally respond to myself.
"They'll kill you, so you'd better not."
"I think I will." Sandra bites apple. Body revolts against the mind. Sandra is now next to trash can spitting out said bite of apple because in the short-run, peeling the apple causes less physical and mental torment than eating it. But I'm not happy about it, because I don't actually like my apples peeled. At least the obsessive thought went away. But I feel like I just lost a battle.
That's OCD.
Part of therapy, I have heard, is to face the fears head on. Do it anyway. Swallow the dang bite of the apple. That really does work. It's just way harder to convince yourself to do it. Like physically hard.
No, this is not a 24/7 thing. Some days are better than others. And generally, with a lot of prayer, I do better than okay. I feel good about things. But on bad days, the pure fact that I'm fighting myself over such trivial things exhausts me. And this is just my version of things. Everyone is different. I've never felt the need to avoid driving for a year.
I have my own spiritual beliefs and ways for overcoming the impulses (and learning from it all). A more inspirational blog post, "For when I am weak, then am I strong," can be found on this same blog site. It addresses the cure more than the problem.
But I thought for today I would just provide a basic explanation. Because I keep learning about people who struggle from OCD, and I feel like it would be nice if everyone understood a little more about what that meant when they said it.
Sometimes, it just helps to be understood.
References:
1. Carson, Gail 1997. Ella Enchanted. New York: Harper Collins Publisher.
2. "Breaking free: Atlanta woman finds help for OCD," http://www.fox5atlanta.com/health/fox-medical-team/277553956-story#/
3. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.” NIMH. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/index.shtml. 2016.
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