My Epiphany: The Power of Choice

So it’s finals week.

Probably not the best time to be blogging out my thoughts, but let’s just say I’m not really in the studying mood right now. I’ll pay for it later.

In a way, this blog is my release. It lets me get everything out of my mind that threatens to overwhelm me. I think too much. I’m slow of speech. But I can write. I love to write. So, when you have the sort of epiphany that I think I’ve been experiencing over the last month, it’s not something you just ignore. So...I'm releasing it.

I live inside my own head most the time. Often it’s the case that I prefer observing to speaking, but that’s not socially conducive. Still, I generally only like talking to people who I feel close to.

The reason? For better or worse, when I actually get to talking, it’s exactly what I’m thinking. I may not enunciate it correctly (I’m pretty horrible at that), but there’s no doubt that I’m going to be honest.  It’s like trusting someone with my inner self. Who I really am.

My thoughts that are so purely mine. They are so deeply and perfectly me.

So, if I really talk to someone…like really talk to them, it means I’m entrusting an important part of myself with them. It’s like giving them a piece of myself for safe keeping. Having a long night conversation with someone, telling them my secrets…that’s the best compliment I know how to give. It means I trust you. This, sadly, is a rare thing for me. 

Letting someone into my head might not seem like a compliment, but since it’s the depth of my own character, since it’s something potentially vulnerable that I hold close and safeguard so strongly…well, that’s why it matters to me. Trusting people is how I demonstrate my utmost admiration and respect. And it goes both ways. 

If I feel like I can trust someone, then it reflects in how I treat them. It means I’ve found someone I can rely on. It means that I want give back a little. So, if you end up being one of those people who I trust, then I end up worshiping the very ground you walk on. I end up wanting to do anything and everything to please you. How else can I repay you? Normally, I would feel vulnerable and weak. But you make me feel strong. Even when it’s a weakness. Therefore, I would do anything for you.

I don’t have a lot of confidence. People who manage give me confidence deserve to be rewarded. That’s how I think, anyway.

So that’s why I value close friendships and don’t really know how to handle myself in any other contexts.

This is also why I’m shy. Because you don’t just give a little piece of yourself to everybody. Because when I try, I find I’m not really eloquent and I think slow. Because I worry that people will think that I’m stupid. Because it makes me feel vulnerable. I don’t trust myself to the crowds. I must protect myself.

Or maybe it’s just sheltering myself. I’ve often heard it said that shy people are selfish and proud. That’s probably true. I’m so afraid of people judging me that I’d rather not share anything with them. It’s a pretty poor view of human nature. Sometimes I get so worried what people think that I create horrible visions of myself in their name. Only to find out that they didn’t have a problem with me at all.

And that’s when it starts to click. What the real problem is. Some sort of an unhealthy obsession with myself. It’s like living in your head for too long. Sometimes, it’s just time to step out and focus on someone that’s not me.

Seems elementary, right?

Wrong. People who live inside their own heads have problems stepping out of it. I think that’s one of the reasons why I like teaching so much. It literally forces me to focus on other people. It forces me to practice enunciating my own thoughts. It forces me to be organized and eloquent and socially coherent.

It pushes me to serve and love other people. And that is, not surprisingly, very rewarding.

In November I had a sort of emotional breakdown. Kinda weird for me. I’ve had one other very emotional semester that I can think of, but somehow this topped them all.

Normally, I am in control of myself. Normally, I handle stress well. If something is bothering me, I throw myself into my work until it goes away. If my work is poor, I work harder. Productive. Productive. Work. Work. Work. Then I don’t have time to think about anything else.

Normally, this works great. But for some reason, I lost control last month. I’m still not sure what it was—probably a combination of a lot of things. It was a mentally taxing semester. But in the end of the day, I found that I just lost my grip and I couldn’t get it again. Not for some time.

I stopped studying. I stopped eating. I stopped caring…because that was too emotionally taxing. I alternated between no sleep and sleeping all the time. Basically I was veging for weeks, going through the motions of classes and conversations and life.

I wasn’t oblivious to my own state. But the fact that I couldn’t seem to get a hold of myself only made me more frustrated and upset and prone to give up. I’m not a quitter. I’m supposed to work harder. So what went wrong?

Thanksgiving break was nice. Why? Because I got to spend most of the break by myself in my apartment. Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t take long for roommate withdrawals to sink in, but there is something nice about being forced to live with yourself. You have a lot of time to think. You stop worrying about what people are thinking because there isn’t anyone around to judge you. Self-inspection...pure, real self-inspection was the result.

I started to ask myself what the heck happened. I started to get annoyed with myself because it suddenly occurred to me that I wasn’t being myself at all. Moping and procrastination? That has never been me. Ignoring people I care about? That’s not how I work. 

The “me-time” over the break was full of movie watching, guitar playing, drawing, and writing. Lots of writing. And suddenly, almost all at once, I started to remember something important.

I am Sandra Shurtleff. I like making people laugh. I like to plan my life ten years to into the future, but be absolutely spontaneous in the present. I like singing at the top of my lungs when I’m depressed. I like music and sports. I like running and hiking and paintball battles with my brothers. I like people. I really do. I like making people feel good about themselves. I love learning from them. I like hard work. I like putting my mind to something just so I can prove that I can do it. I like to solve my own problems, even when its irrational to try doing so.

I like myself.

What does that mean? It means I’m an idiot for letting myself get so lost in my own head. It means that for someone who prides herself on letting nothing external define me, I had let my circumstance blind me to my own choice.

It means that really, I like myself best when I’m with other people. When I’m learning from and serving other people. I like to trust them, too, even if it’s hard for me to do. 

Sitting in the car on the Monday after break, I realized something spectacular.

I can choose to be happy. I can choose to be confident.

I had gotten so caught up in trying to please other people that I forgot one simple rule—people can’t really like you—the real you—if you’re not being yourself. I needed to be me. Purely me. Not some fabricated persona meant to please and with little to no representation of my actual self. People used to tell me I was down to earth and solid. Why had I been shifting with every circumstance and individual?

Why am I letting my situation define me?

I’ve always said that it can’t. I’ve always criticized people who claim that they have no choice. And here I was letting my own problems dominate the spotlight instead of focusing on others. I should have been focused on making the right choices, not on the wrong ones of the past.

So I’m not perfect. But so what? When did that ever mean I had to stop trying?

So I can’t please everybody. So what? When did that become the standard of success? It’s impossible.

So I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. So who does? Who really does? This is a journey we’re on. Not just a destination. I needed to learn to enjoy the journey. I need to stop getting lost in the details.

So I can’t see the end from the beginning. No one can, except God. So maybe I should just focus on following him. Trusting him. He’ll never betray that trust.

So not everyone is going to like me. Well, if you’re really being yourself, then so what? They’re obviously not worth the stress if they don’t like you for who you are—mistakes and all.

Of course I had been having an off semester. Because I wasn’t being me at all. I had forgotten what it means to really enjoy the little things. The everyday moment. I had forgotten to focus on other people. To notice their interests and passions and then learn from them. I had forgotten that nothing can get me down unless I let it.

My problems had blinded me to myself and others. I had forgotten the power of choice.

But enough is enough.

I am Sandra Shurtleff. I am who I am. I am imperfect, but I am changing and becoming. I am uncertain about my future, but I trust in a God who knows all. I am talented and beautiful and unique. So is everyone else. I am on a journey that is worth enjoying moment by moment. Life is that precious and perfect.

I am Sandra Shurtleff. I am myself. And I am happy with it. I can choose to be confident. I can choose to keep moving forward. I choose to love all people no matter what. I hope to never let circumstance define me.

I choose to be me. 

That is my epiphany.